this is bad. that i'm not in bed at this hour. i was just starting to kick the habit. prolly the med has not kicked in yet but still, by right i should've taken them way sooner. not when i'm finally done worrying i might doze off in the middle of something. but tell me, how do you react when someone says this to you:

"you're already in my pockets.. just that you never had the guts to admit, that you're already caught."

i'm not too good at reading in between the lines. somebody, please explain?

anyways, do you guys still remember aidil? yes yes the same one all of you caught holding hands with another girl at the mrt escalator while on your way out and when you tried convincing me, i was this close to believing him instead? and god i was just outside the station when i saw them walking side-by-side not holding hands a few seconds before. so it actually took him three seconds to commit the crime, thinking i wouldn't see it but fuck i was just about fifty metres away from catching him red handed, if not for the parapet wall separating us. and it all happened at the same time, same place. but yet i couldn't bring myself to believe my own friends, can i? it came like a big blow to me. cause that was the day of so many broken promises.

it's almost peculiar to me how, i can replay the scene so starkly in my mind. almost too clear it is really frightening to some extent. he, for one, happens to be a really cute jerk. and that asshole just had to ring me up after two years of..peace, atleast. why, i am not surprised that this guy decided to call just when the current really obese girlfriend fucks up. uhm yes yes i'm very much happy. you're not? ahh oh ok, but nope, i'm still happy with him, thanks. but that aside, there might be a possibility he's gay cause i swear from the background they sounded like the man was doing something to him. i dare not elaborate. but aidil calls him 'abang'?! and he said this man was going to buy him some jeans and shoes later on. bar managers are abit weird in their orientation, everyone knows that. uhm.

i wished, he had you know, came across another ex-flame's number in his phonebook and had called her instead.

i am abit disturbed by people who are simply still stuck to the past. yes i may sometimes wish i can be alot more stronger person. determined by facade but how easy it is to fall back into the preying arms. i hate looking back. cause what's past is past. it's not my fault is it, that i happen to end up with another cute guy whereas you get thrown out of the house by your mom and had to move in with one gemok nak mampos girl who also looks like a mother of three? naseb kau ah siak, salah aku pe?

all i can say is, move on. cause i already have so, too bad.

and on the other hand, to you, that was totally my calling, something i'm prepared to get myself into. but the least you could do was to appreciate the people around you. for once, have some conscience. im just being myself? ha how convenient it is to say? then don't be yourself cause not everyone fucking likes 'yourself'. not many can adapt to your moods. only the precious handful and that too, i can safely say you have no total respect for. i don't know why, i'm always having to..'ikot the rentak' of all these people.